Animal Planet

Not content with mere economic intervention at home and military intervention abroad, Americans have entered the bloody battles on the frontlines of nature, which rage in the rushing rivers and verdant forests of the Pacific Northwest between two bitter enemies: sea lions and salmon.

 

Sea lions are dedicated consumers of protected salmon species in Oregon, Washington, and British Columbia.

 

But six sea lions were found shot to death at the Columbia River, which runs between Washington and Oregon. Ballistics analysis indicates that the shooter, or shooters, occupied elevated territory across the Washington border to the north. Pro-salmon insurgencies are known to camp somewhere in the rough hinterland along the border.

 

The federal government had authorized the states of Oregon and Washington to use search and destroy tactics against up to 85 sea lions within a five year period. Fisherman and American Indians want to kill the sea lions on behalf of the salmon, who are physically unable to wield firearms. Pro-sea lion factions were awarded a ceasefire until an 8 May hearing could more accurately determine humanity’s role as ultimate arbiter of survival in the wilderness.

 

But the sea lion bodies were discovered 3 May. Apparently, the suspects could not wait a week. Instead, frustration from economic depression had driven them to guns, religion, and sea lion murder.

 

The shootings have rocked the formerly peaceful Pacific Northwest, whose bounty has given the world Starbucks and grunge music. Police and residents are on guard as the area is likely to become the world’s next hotspot for natural selection and a regularly working food-chain.