Savages and Troglodytes, Part Deux

And now, continuing our production of Thomas Friedman at Brown University…

Part the Second, in Which Mr. Friedman receives one Poorly Written Apology to his Presumed Annoyance.

One day later, Gawker.com received this letter from one Rickie Kostiner, who identifies herself as a Brown sophomore and is apparently an ice hockey player.

Dear Mr. Gawker,
My name is Rickie Kostiner and I am a sophomore at Brown University. I am writing to apologize for the deliquiencies of my classmates this past Tuesday evening, when two students decided it was a good idea to throw pies at Thomas Friedman. Not only a respected journalist for your New York Times, Friedman is one of the most respected and famous authors to date, and I want to personally apologize for these students actions. I am embarrassed to even say that I am a student of Brown because of incidents like this. Brown has the reputation of being an overly liberal school, but actions like these make us seem just plain stupid. Obviously only thinking of themselves, these two students made a complete moquary of the entire student body, and really showed how selfish some people can be. I want to stress again how terribly sorry I am for my institution to carry this under their name. I have attempted to find other ways to reach Thomas Friedman directly, but I could not find a more direct way then writing to the newspaper in which he has been affiliated with. I saw your blog online and I just wanted to send my comments. Thank you and again I am so very sorry.
-Rickie Kostiner

In an excellent, if subtle, demonstration of Ringkomposition, Ms. Kostiner’s apology comes as obliquely as the pies that struck Mr. Friedman just one day prior. Little Rickie had “attempted to find other ways to contact Thomas Friedman directly,” but her Brown education prevented her from discovering that Mr. Friedman’s email address is actually published on, of all obscure places, the New York Times website. Following her instincts, which undoubtedly contributed to her admission to an Ivy League school and will help her as a future executive/public servant/fast food restaurateur, she sent an email to Gawker.com to apologize to Mr. Friedman.

But doesn’t she have a point? Using poignant French terms, Ms. Kostiner deftly writes that the deliquiencies of her classmates did show them to be “just plain stupid.” Oh, and the moquary? Yes, you’ve never heard of that because it’s actually an expensive cognac that goes especially well with a Dominican Cohiba, which Ivy League elitists swill by the hearths of their social clubs as they enumerate their superior spelling skills.

Now we take leave of the stage, with Mr. Friedman’s green-pied countenance, the mysterious reasoning of the Greenwacs Guerillas, and a bewildering apology from an unassociated Brown undergraduate. Through the twists of fate and their own hubris, none have retained dignity. 

FIN.   

Savages and Troglodytes: Thomas Friedman at Brown University

Pursuant to Mr. Janus’ comment about Thomas Friedman’s recent run-in with Brown University students, it is now my pleasure to present the following two-act news piece.

Part the First, in Which Mr. Friedman receives two Poorly Thrown Pies to his Left Arm.

Here we observe the would-be baked-goods terrorists, nervously sitting in the first row of the audience, only to abruptly launch themselves onto the stage at Mr. Friedman’s person, un-athletically lunging two classically comic custard pies. The missiles’ swerving trajectories land obliquely upon Mr. Friedman’s outstretched left arm and spray the floor with what appears to be a sickly green whipped cream substance. His body wobbles in a flailing, awkward, ultimately successful attempt to regain balance as he wipes the gooey foodstuff from his body. The seal of Brown University silently witnesses her sons humiliate her; I, for one, am surprised that it did not burst into tears of blood out of shame.

The New York Times columnist’s signature mustache was caught in the crossfire of stray custard shrapnel, but neither he nor his facial hair needed medical attention.

Despite having employed two extremely uncoordinated persons to pie a noted journalist, the whole incident seems to have been planned. By an organization of no less stature than the Greenwash Guerillas, an environmentalist group that has pulled off such infamous, hard-hitting, and intelligent protests as … well, the 2008 pie-ing of Mr. Thomas Friedman. I guess the varsity baseball team never did see an environmentalist on the mound. The Guerillas left this note:

Thomas Friedman deserves a pie in the face…

• Because of his sickeningly cheery applaud for free market capitalism’s conquest of the planet.
• For telling the world that the free market and techno fixes can save us from climate change. From carbon trading to biofuels, these distractions are dangerous in and of themselves, while encouraging inaction with respect to the true problems at hand.
• For helping turn environmentalism into a fake plastic consumer product for the privileged.
• For his pure arrogance.
• As the only way to compensate for the ridiculousness of having this fool speak on Earth Day.

On behalf of the earth and all true environmentalists – we, the Green wash Guerillas, declare Thomas Friedman’s “Green” as fake and toxic to human and planetary health as the cool-whip covering his face.

Great googley moogley! I never knew that cool-whip is fake and toxic: have I been severely misinformed about my favorite whipped imitation dairy product? Once again, the shining light of rational thought and action has illuminated the darkest corners of humanity, swirling into physical manifestation as what will surely go down as the worst pie-ing ever. Where did the Guerillas learn to throw anyway, Donovan McNabb?

 

On the other hand, considering how much marijuana Brown students consume, I should probably just be thankful that they didn’t eat the pies before trying to throw them.